“Alone Time” in Relationships

This post is geared toward romantic relationships but can be applied to any kind of relationship that can be had (professional, platonic, familial, etc).

Do you ever feel a twinge of guilt when you wish you could have some alone time? Even from your favourite person in the whole world, your partner? Have you ever wondered why you feel more drained than usual after a week of being constantly present with your loved one(s). Well, between you and me, this is normal.

The topic of “alone time” can be a touchy one in some relationships due to a variety of factors, including each partner not wanting to upset the other, pride, and ego. Depending on how long you and your partner have been together, you may or may not have had this important conversation.

As human beings, we are of course naturally a social species, but we also need alone time every now and then to rejuvenate ourselves for the upcoming days in addition to retaining a strong sense of self. Without time to ourselves, we may not feel able to be completely “ourselves” in the truest sense. For some, time alone serves as an opportunity to be creative which could include things like:

• Looking up future travel plans
• Looking up gifts for each other
• Catering to a personal creative hobby
• Finding new events to go to
• ETC…

Or….. some personal life maintenance:

• Contacting family members or old friends
• Going over banking info/issues
• Paying bills
• Searching for further education options (Academic and creative; even something like a soap-making class counts!)
• Meditation
• Exercise (Runs, workouts, dance classes, aerobics, etc)
• ETC…

It’s important to remember that if and when our partner expresses their need for alone time, we do not take it personally as an attack. This is difficult to do sometimes! I have experienced the ego-based feelings that come with our partner needing space. It is easy to interpret their need to be alone as a sign that you have done something wrong. You may ask yourself:

1. What did I do wrong?
   1. ^_A. You did nothing wrong! They love spending time with you, they just need some time to reload their own batteries in order to be the best version of themselves when they do get to spend time with you. Some things are better experienced alone, and sometimes we need to remind ourselves of our wholeness in our own beings.
2. Why are they upset with me?
   1. _^A. You are not responsible for your partner’s happiness. You and your partner need to be able to be completely content and at peace when apart, so that when you are together you only add more happiness to the mix rather than a pressure to perform, give more than you have to give, and burn out.
3. Am I not a good partner?
   1. _^A. If you allow yourself and your partner to experience alone time as well as valuable time spent together, you are a great partner. Sometimes our ego gets in the way and we subconsciously feel “my partner can only be happy with ME!” and we don’t want to accept that it is possible for them to feel content without us. This is instinctual and awareness is half the battle. We need to work towards conquering our fear of not being needed, and rather allow ourselves to be at peace in being all that we individually need for ourselves. Our partner is an addition to our happiness, not the sole source.
   2. ^_A. Focus on establishing your own peace of mind, and being conscious of theirs.
4. How can I fix this?
   1. _^A. As said above, awareness is half the battle. When you can address your ego and pride, and consciously take action toward letting go of the need to be held on a pedestal in your partners’ eyes 24/7 (you are 99% of the time!), you will be able to be at peace with yourself and strengthen the relationship between yourself and your partner.
   2. _^A. Try meditation. It may allow you to unlock core truths that your ego/busy mind has been blocking from you.
   3. _^A. Invest in yourself, and be okay with putting your needs first every now and then.
   4. ^_A. Talk about it. Communicate with your partner! Expressing ourselves is so key in every relationship, be brave in revealing your feelings to your partner. This allows an opportunity for your partner and yourself to take on this challenge together and cheer each other on along the way. Remember, you’re a team 🙂

I hope that this post is able to shed some light on this important topic! Self-care is vital to personal mental health and should not go out the window when entering a romantic relationship. If you have any comments or questions feel free to contact me through the form on my contact page.

Cheers! – Holly